I wish I was the type of person to be vulnerable with other people. I wish i had it in me to open up to people about things,people, and situations that i can not handle on my own, but i am not. It is like i am a person who loves to love, yet hates the idea of ever being dependent and needy of somebody.
The last time I had a serious bond with a person was a long time ago. really really long time ago. And that was enough to teach me how to be my own world. I watch movies and TV shows about people falling in love and being all cute and telling secrets and all that love things, then there is me. I find a lot of people attractive, but i have not met somebody who has kept my attention past a physical attraction. One thing i have started to discover about myself is my drive. I have been wanting to get everything i have ever wanted and have actually putting in the work to get it. I have really 3 major goals i am going to accomplish and i did not even know they truly existed until all i felt that i had been me myself and the dream of a Chanel purse. The hunger inside of me had awoken a person i had always dreamt of meeting, it had introduced me to me.
A major problem I have always had been i expected to have people have the same intentions as me when it came to relationships and just the way you treat other human beings. Then again i am very wrong. People only want you when you are worth something to them. And i used to always feel the need to have somebody and everybody approval. I would be friends with everybody and anybody due to the fact i was not custom to being alone. Then there is now where i honestly would rather be alone because my isolation led me to discovering everybody i had and that everybody was only me.
People keep track of all the favors they do you. They remember everything they bought you to the events they attended to the shelter they provided. And that is the guilt trip people will throw all they do for you in your face as if they are the blessing to you and that they are your savior and one thing i have learned was not a soul on this soul is my savior or the reason i am who i am becoming. Nobody put the will in my heart to start my blog, go get a job and chase the dreams i had. Everybody had the words to tell me how i needed to get real or choose another route. And those people for a time did break me. I let their opinions and perspective blur mine and throw me off. The worst thing i had ever did in life was tried to change who i was to make the others around me less tense. And in doing that i pissed myself off and pissed people off due to the fact i was always pissed and just always mad.
One day while reading blogs and just surfing the internet i had started to think of the things in the past,the things i had said and did and the things i had missed out on due to myself and just life and i had gotten mad. i remember everything i had missed out on growing up and all the people i had v=never worked the courage up to speak to. Then to make the whole situation worse was i compared then to now and realized how everything and everybody had changed. I was no longer a concern and i had no longer cared about the past. I used to obsess over what i could have changed, who i could have loved and who i could have left alone. I had realized my own big flaw was i had put my trust in people and faith that they would see how i see and it did not work. People will always tell people what they need to do, how they need to change and address their feelings all while not knowing how to handle their own.
My outlet was and is writing, and it can offend some people i know for a fact it has but i would rather honestly get it all out and have other people read, rather than keep it all inside and continue to act if everything is fine and peachy. I used to be dependent and needed somebody to always assure me i was doing the right thing. And now i realized i am my own person and i am in charge of my feelings and choices and people will do me wrong, it is all on me allowing it to happen. Being my own person has made me realize i am strong and i have a future regardless is anybody believes me or supports me at all.
Be your own person, save yourself, never ever back down.