Love is a mess.

I wish that people came with a book, and within the book contained their personality and their intentions, but that is only something that I can wish. Instead we have to sue our judgment and believe that the people we let in our lifes are genuine and truly love us and care about our well-being. I remember growing up my dad taught me the importance of allowing people into my life and allowing them to bring in their energy and i listened but i am now just now understanding what he really meant by that.

Lately I’ve been handing people my time as if it is never-ending. I have allowed people into my bubble and life when i should have just kept my distance and never even crosse paths with them. I write this now simply because i know i am deep into the black hole that i willingly walked into but it is now that i am realizing i walked into the hole of love.

the movies and the books make love seem as if it this magical cloud of wonderful feelings and good times when love is a mess, it is blind, it is a puzzle in which all of the pieces are scattered and bent and near impossible to make the pieces fit, but they can fit and each has its match. You are waiting for me to mention the boy that made me fall in love the guy who graced the heartless with a heart but it wasn’t another soul i had fallen in love with, i had fallen in love with myself.

2016 was a year of self discovery for me. I had switched my major changed my whole degree and career path. lost old friends to gain them back, met a guy who was the greatest mistake I have ever made so far in my life, discover the school i truly love, learned to forgive, learned that hate is strong but love is stronger, and that i am changing into the person i believe i want to be.

The past few months i have done hair styles to avoid my natural curly hair, due to the fact it gives me a baby face and that i hear and read that sexy hair is straight hair and i wanted to you know be sexy. but my friends that trend is done. I have been wearing my curls naturally the past month and they are big bouncy and i love them. i thought i was seeking acceptance from others when it was really myself. and i believe that is everybody problem. we get caught up in the idea that we are doing all the things we are doing in order to impress those around us when in reality we are doing it to impress ourselves.

I like to downplay all my accomplishments, due to the fact i just want somebody to say that they are proud of me. I used to do the most just to know people see me and know that i am actually alive and functioning. in high school i just went through the motions, i did enough to get by and get my diploma i look back and am supposed to regret not making the best of high school but i am so grateful i kept my bitch approach and hated it. simply because …

It taught me the value of true happiness.

people enforce others to be fake happy because they themselves can not be happy. I am human I have shitty days, i have days where i feel like crap, i have days where i feel amazing, and i have my days where i feel nothing. and that is the beauty of it all, that is life. Around the time of the holidays when everything is supposed to be rainbows and butterflies it is a hot ass mess.

Recently I have spent the las 2 thanksgivings in Michigan with my mom’s side of the family and it is honestly the most interesting  of my life. You see people who you know but within the short time together you realize you do not really know them as well as you think you do. i had come back and looked around and realized by knowing them, and watching them was nothing but me. I have my uncles temper, he will argue over the color of the sky as will i, i have my aunts party personality, she makes the most boring events the funnest, i have my cousins talent of thinking i know it all, because i swear i do, and i have my mothers trait of blending into the background, where i can put my opinion in without anyone even realizing i am picking a side.

A new thing for me though is christmas, in my 19 years of life i never celebrated christmas without my dad. And i do not know how i feel about it, i mean i am 19 work happened school happens but i never have not seen him christmas day since i can remember. And this year i am spending it with my moms side, and i am interested to see how it goes and what it is like, but i will always wonder what is happening at home. When thinking about all the things going on in my life and how i had multiple reasons to be upset, i had become happy. I realized i was happy i am going to be in Michigan for christmas i realized i was happy i was going to spend another thanksgiving with my family, i was happy nothing i had planned 6 months ahead had gone right due to the fact i needed it to happen in order to realize love is not some beautiful thing it is a mess.

Mess’s to me are amazing. you learn from a mess, you find new things and old things when cleaning up a mess, you discover your limits and boundaries in a mess. a mess is life, and life is what makes a person a person.

yes, i could have enjoyed high school and faked the ultimate happiness made top of my class played a sport and all that jazz, but i didn’t i said true to my feelings and views at the time, was a big bitch and now i have 5 amazing friends i know i will have for a lifetime that still check on me daily. the same 5 i hated high school with are the same 5 i love college and hate bills with.

yes, I could have avoided the no good guy, but i didn’t. did i know better hell yes he was everything my dad had warned me about my male friends told me about but i wanted to try it out. did i get my feelings hurt, yes. did i almost kill some bodies son, hell yes. but i had the best times of my summer and fall with him. learned about myself things i like, people i dislike, he even taught me how to decode a safe. Granted it ended sour he taught me a lot of lessons i would have never learned if we haven’t had met.

yes, I could have acted like i know me and myself these past years, and that i have it all figured out when i don’t. i learn everyday, i win some i lose some. i love and a i lost. but the one thing i am thankful i gained was love. I love the way i do not listen, simply because i turn my failures into success. Me and the Fuck Cen10 gang are all doing well, me and the boy aren’t talking but i am doing well, new job great in school and he’s doing well at work and school.

love messed up my world and made me realize the power it had.

 

If you are mad at your boss, forgive them

if a family member pissed you off, forgive them

if your cat chewed your charger, forgive them

if you feel like you are not doing well in life and are a mess, love yourself.

 

In a world full a hate if you can not find a single thing or person to love, please chose yourself.

 

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