Beauty of the Fuckup

5 years from now i will be 24. 5 years ago from today i was 14.

Thinking back 5 years ago that seems like forever ago. when I was 14 i was a freshmen in highschool i had still lived in my hometown in Michigan. my biggest problem in life was deciding which crush of mine i wanted to become official with, and what flat irons would work the best to press out my curls, because the perms were beginning to take my hair out. Now 5 years to today i am stressing out about what the hell to put on my christmas list, and what i am going to wear tomorrow to thanksgiving dinner. Which i do not know why they call it dinner due to the fact my family is eating at 12 which is a little unpleasing but it will do. And now i am wondering 5 years from now what will be stressing me out.

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14 year old T’yanna would look at 19 year old T’yanna and be amazed at her.  When i was 14 i was a hot ass mess. i had just started high school just been exposed to real “men” and omg was it heaven for me. And i had just discovered the art of changing clothes in the bathroom because my dad insisted on monitoring my clothing. I was 14 when i had “developed”. My parents accused me of stuffing my bra in the 6th grade, because i had a little something something in my 6th grade picture. but they looked like some clowns when i was 14 because i was all of 14 with some D’s. And i wish i knew how my freshmen year i was crackhead skinny so my boobs just popped, and did i take advantage of that in a way, hell yes i would wear my sisters shirt because she was a tad bit smaller then me then they would make my boobs really POP. Another thing i did back then to play the living soul out of myself was perm my hair. i have big curly hair, and i think i look like a little kid with it so i would and did everything in my power to get it straight, which means a perm. then when that went wrong and my hair began to fall out, not only did i have to resort to being natural again, i had to cut my hair,. and somehow in the midst of all that mess me cutting my hair turned into shaving the back of my head. it was hell. my head s too big my body was too small and i just never again. 14 year old T’yanna was a mess. I had this idea that i knew it all and people did not know enough. I felt like everybody owed me something and i owed everybody nothing. I was just a confused and stuck between ideas of who i wanted to be versus who i was being told to be by others around me.

 

Current T’yanna, 19 year old me is amazing to me. I am becoming the person everybody said 14 year old me would never see if she did not get her shit together. And i can say i did not get my shit together until i turned 18. So i have finally just started making progress. and i am proud of it. Within the span of a year i have grown. I still have the same mentality of sticking to everybody who doubted me, but i forgave them a long time ago. my biggest problem was forgiving but much more forgetting.  I used to be told, i care about myself only and that i am a very selfish person. and it used to bother the hell out me 1.because it was so far from true and 2. people i acted cold towards gave me a valid reason for that treatment. I used to think i am going to do to you as you do to me. And i can say people honestly think treating others like shit is okay but as soon as you turn the table it is  this big ordeal and your some demon out of hell. However i have learned you can not fight hate with hate, love will always win. I have stopped letting my anger and desire for revenge control what i do and say. Trust me i have my moments where i slip up and let the anger win, but i know when i do and i apologize and recognize when i do it. I also am getting a college degree in 2017, that is something 14 year old me would’ve never expected.14 1.gif

I hated school, simply because i found it insulting to think my ability to understand a  cell and use pythagorean theory should be a measurment of my intelligence. however i manned the hell up and buckled down and got shit done. My dad in july thought i was not in school, simply because i was always out and having a social life and had good grades. at first i got offended he even asked me anything that dumb, then i got a little flattered. It had validated to me i was growing. 2 years ago people truly thought i would never go to college and i was going to be some burnout. However the one thing i loved about 14 year old me was the determination i had within me to be somebody.  I realize now why my parents were so damn hard on me. My dad knew i always had the potential in school, i just refused to use it to my full ability, and he would cut into me as if i was not his daughter. Ann would love to tell me about myself. she would ride me about my attitude, how i treat others, how i presented myself. and from the age of 10 to 17 i hated them both. I could not stand them because all they had seem to do was point out everything i was doing wrong and bad then i had later realized that same criticism and nagging and long lectures about my fuck ups had me the same person i am today, a 19 year old who has her own car, about to get her college degree, have her own place,  a young lady who is actually doing something positive and productive, and not out here just being cute.

 

5 years from now it will be 2021 i will be 24 and i pray that i will have gotten my masters in marketing and wrapping up veterinarian or law school at The University Of Michigan or North Carolina State University. I hope i am not neck high in student debt. hopefully i have a nice little 2016 car, a cute little apartment in the city since i have a lavish job from all the schooling i plan on putting myself through. i hope my family is doing well. My brother jayven will be a senior i hope he has offers for football. I hope nigel and tatem are good at sports so they themselves can get offers as well. My precious ferret Athena will be 21 so i hope that i got her gone off the henny for her 21st. And Amiyah will have scholarships for basketball and academically. I pray that my blog is a big deal and that i am running a successful business and that all my friends and family are happy and successful. I will pray for all of this, as well as work. I realized every growth i had in my life i put in work for it. I did not stop i worked and worked and failed and failed until i succeed.

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If you feel like you are not growing and or stuck, take some time and compare the current you to the 5 years ago you. look at the list and realize how much you have changed. Now think 5 years ahead put your goals down and then compare to the 2 to the 5 year goals and work. i want you to work until you are tired then when you get tired work even harder, but do not forget to live and enjoy life. You can do it, always remember the most import factors for success is hardwork, dedication and prayer.

 

 

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