I only wanted a call

My friends I have wrapped up my fall semester, i have picked up 10 hour shifts at my job again and i am realizing how much 2016 was all about receiving a call.

In 2015 I had graduated high school and never really had a plan about what i wanted to do, just a bunch if ideas and dreams. As 2015 went by that summer and fall i had told myself i would never be as lost i my life as i was that year, and going  into 2016 i had managed to not hit rock bottom, but i was however tap dancing on a thin line across rock bottom this year and it was all over a call.

This year was a year of new yet old faces for me. And I had always read revisiting the past brings you nothing but the same ending every time but you know me, being T’yanna and all i think i can change people and their perspective when in reality only people can change themselves. This year in my life was dedicated to trying to make what me and people had in the past for what i have going on now, and i am realizing the past is meant to be left in the past.

After realizing that me and the person had no bbusiness being around each other I had attempted to distance myself and it is not missing the person that is the hard part, it is remembering the memories of who you both were when you first met, and before meeting them. We all have certain times in our life when we get stuck on a person. how we feel as if they were the only person meant for you and how there is nobody else, and how without them you will never be whole. however think back to then and think back to now. 9 our of 10 of us will be  going through this struggle with a whole different person then we were when we first going through it. There are 7 billion people in this world and somehow we, the most complex beings allow one person to have so much power over us, granting the power to them to destroy us.

it has been 2 months since I had last spoke to my person and i see them all over my social media and i think i am going to unfollow them due to the fact i do not care to see what they are doing, i do not care who they are entertaining now, and i do not care for somebody who does not care about me. This si th problem, we expect people to think and feel like us and in reality some people do not have it in them to be a genuine person and others are incapable of putting themselves in other people’s position.

My reality hit me when one day after giving my friend advice on how to deal with a guy who was treating her as an option and then while listening to her and telling her how to handle it, I was in the same boat. I was so concerned about losing a friend i had lost sight of the fact i was truly losing myself.

My best friend hates him. My grandma does not like him, and she likes everybody, and me myself and I personally have nothing to say about him or towards him but simply all you had to do was call.

When people mess up they avoid you, they will avoid you like their life depends on it and then pop up when they think you forgot and forgave, this is where it gets interesting and this where you either stand up for yourself and come down to reality or you answer the phone and give in

I give advice on so much, and it is good advice and it helps, and for some reason it is so hard for me to follow my own. I hate seeing people allow others to waste their time. I hate seeing people give and give love while the other takes and takes. The truth is people like that are not a prize, they are not something worth having, and damn sure not worth stressing and worrying about.

2016 I just wanted a phone call from everybody who had managed to do something shady to me and just say that they did it, I did not even want an apology because i know nobody is ever sorry for their actions, they are sorry for the consequences of them. I wanted a simple ” yes i did”. But now i do not want anything from anybody not even my person.

With all the time that I have been being avoided, i realized i was never not doing everything to my full potential i was slumming it. I was slumming it in the aspects of my worth and all i deserve.  I love and live for things that i can not have, and that cause trouble. I am infatuated with toxic people.  I feel like i can relate tot them because i used to be one, and i feel like if i can make it out of my shallow low life bubble then they can to.

But those must crawl before they walk

I cant force my person to grow up, i can not force anybody to take ownership ro their actions and i can not force anybody to ever apologize to me for things they have said about me, and things they did to me. however i can make them regret ever treating me as if i am average.

Life has a way of humbling people. I never got a call from my person and i can say it honestly does not bother me anymore. Every december is the month of reminisce and memories. Except i do not want to remember december, i do not want to go back, and i do not want an apology or explanation.

2016 is coming to close and I do not want any calls from anybody. All i ask for myself and for you the reader

  1.  Do not wait for the call, if they have not called by now they do not plan on it.
  2. remove them from social media, I know how are you supposed to go from liking pics, staying up to lurk the comment s and likes, even the random waking up pit your sleep tp check their snaps….. remove them let it go, trust me
  3. stop defending them. I have it bad when it comes to this, My friend cierra told me about ym person way before I even took them serious, and i always defended them. if your best friend sees it is real and it is happening, do not mix your perception with the actual reality
  4.  LOVE YOURSELF

 

Before writing this i was scrolling through my phone reading old messages, adn old DM’s and looking back to them it was nice to think back to that time, and be in that moment again but you have to remember as time changes people do to. You do not need that phone call to move on, you do not need that apology to feel whole again, and you do not need that person to feel loved and alive again. you are the only thing you need, adn the onlt person you will have everyday all day. take care of yourslef, lookout for yourslef, love yourself.

STOP WAITING FOR THE CALL.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “I only wanted a call

  1. I’ve gone through this before and I eventually I had to delete the person completely out of my life, bc like you said, I no longer cared to see what they were doing.. bc why allow yourself to care so much when they don’t care about you? It’s best to cut them out & leave the past in the past so you can move forward and find people to surround yourself with that care about you as much as you care about them. Great post 💖

    Liked by 1 person

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