I can write a novel about the people who have disappointed me in my life. i could write about 15 novels on one person alone, But i do not want to write a novel anymore so i created a blog, and i did just to inform you that i notice.
what a world that we live in right? I sat and continue to sit back and watch you encourage other people, help them build and cheer for them to grow but with me it was never the case. you only pointed out and broadcasted every single failure i had ever made, and made it some type of personal objective to make sure everybody and nobody knew i was fucking up. and that in the beginning didn’t piss me off but it hurt.
All i have ever did was try to mold myself into somebody you would approve of. And truthfully nothing was or will ever be enough for you, and i can say i do not want to be your ideal of good and or the perfect role model, i want to be my own person and that is all i ever wanted to be, and that never sat right with you, and i doubt it ever will. i learned that you can not fill a void that someone else created by trying to mold somebody else into them.
I am not your second chance
I am not your gift
I am not yours.
In the beginning you were the only one I truly wanted to impress. you were the one i had always aspired to be like. you had it all figured out in my eyes. you had it all together. you were my idea of perfect. but my views changed and my feelings and then i realized i did not want to be like you, i wanted to be my own.
You were not the light in the dark, you were not the life jacket thrown to me on the ocean, you were simply another face in the crowd on a crowded new york city street. The random lady at target knew my favorite color by simply looking at my outfit, the guy in my english class knew I hated white clothing because he noticed i never wore it, and all my college professors comment on my personality and say it is one they never met, then there is you. you don’t know anything about me, aside from what i post on my social media and my blog, and that is how you seemed to know me my whole life. social media, poems i had written, and entries i put in my journal and blog.
I found my voice and always knew my problem. I always knew my dreams i always knew my plan and i always knew i would be okay, you were so unsure because you did not know me.
In the 8th grade I had read this one poem called ” don’t quit” and that poem made me forget everybody and just focus on me, and that poem had got me through a lot. i had loved the poem so much i ripped the page out the book and took it home. i know every word, and even have a picture of the poem saved in my phone. I notice when things are going well in my life you never want to discuss it, because it is rare that i get right the first time around, but i realized i am a person of many attempts and eventually succeeding.
Life is not meant to be easy. and it is not meant to be lived seeking validation and approval from others.I think that is where we clashed, you cared about what people would say and think about you based off what I chose to do and say because you reflect those who you are associated with. The only thing that makes us different is i never needed approval to know whether i was happy and doing what i wanted to do. when i felt uncomfortable and forced i would leave, when i felt miserable and out of place, i would vent and leave, you stay. You in a way have a balance i do not.
You truly thought I continued through my life oblivious and just blank as to what i was doing and who i was becoming. When in reality i was never fighting against anybody but myself. when in the process of trying to appeal to you, i was attempting to become my on idea of me, and i was burning myself out. but now i found my voice and my own beliefs and views i notice me and you will never be eye to eye, but i understand you now, and i get why you are the way you are, it is what make you, you. and i am what i am and that makes me,me.