I had lost all my innocence when i agreed to give in from the fight within myself. Ever since i was young nearly everybody had always told me i was my own enemy, and i would think they were crazy. like how could i be in my own way, how could i hold myself back from things that can cause me to succeed and have fun how? I was convinced everybody was on drugs and i was just the last normal human being alive, then it was when i had stepped aside and got my own way i had realized i was never wrong for being in my own way, it saved myself from a lot of unwanted energy and people.
I love broken people, i love people who are not whole, who do not have it all figured out about who they are, yet have this vision of what they want to become, i love people who seem to do nothing but destroy all around them trying to get it right, It is something about them that i can not get enough of. I love the person who has a vision beyond their reality and the person who is selfish. And i know reading this you are like ” wow and this chick complains about getting her feelings hurt, when she openly admits to liking assholes,” and if you are saying that you are missing the point, the asshole was really once a person who cared too much.
On my birthday this year , i had received a total of 7 text messages 3 calls and 9 twitter mentions and 18 Facebook post. i have 78 contacts, i have over 1000 twitter followers and over 231 Facebook friends. Now i am not going to sit here and be like that did not bother me, then i had realized the people i needed in my life where the ones that had told me happy birthday. the ones who made an effort. Now when i had turned 18 it was a different story, i had received a lot of messages, twitter mentions, instagram post, and all that but all those people and all those wishes and i hated my life, like legit wanted to disappear from the face of the planet, i and all these people in my life and i had never felt so alone that year.
Last December i was somebody who had all the money she wanted, the job that was nice , own car, 2 loving cats and was in my way. I did not allow myself to get out and go out. i stayed home/worked/went to school and the gym. that was my life, and looking back isolating myself was never a problem for me, i enjoy being alone my company is the only thing that seemed to be there when everything and everybody else disappeared. When i had left Georgia in July on the plane i had told myself that i would never depend on anybody and i would never let myself grant anybody the power of my life and my future, then the fateful day in march i had decided to get out of my own way, and live life-like i had always wanted, on my terms.
I broke my own heart, i roughed up my own soul, i let myself fall and picked myself right back up. I was getting out more, i was socializing and just living. and i met good people and i met bad people, and the bad people where as cliché as it sounds my most memorable people. i won’t forget the person who needs a bottle of liquor a day just to get through 24 hours, i will not forget the person who needs the instagram fame and the city of Detroit and its recongition to feel as if they are alive and present in the world. i will never forget the people who simply made me realize why i enjoyed being isolated and unknown.
I loved the attention of it, the partying and socializing, i loved it all but it was when it became a routine and predictable i began to hate it, from march to october life has been crazy. I have dont things on my bucket list, i have done things i have only thought happened on the movies and i have done things i knew better, and should have never done, but i mean that was the whole point of me getting out of my way, and living my age and it had nearly created a monster of me, that i have tried to step away from and am but i think apart of me will always have that dark side and i feel like it plays a crucial part of who i am growing into being.
I realized i had a problem within myself when i could not sleep, and needed sleeping pills to simply get sleepy. I would think back to everything i have done the people i met the paces i went and how life had happened to fast, then i would think back to that girl on the place leaving Georgia to come back to Michigan, and how the hell i had lost touch with her so fast and so much within a year. Back in that time in my life, i was always frustrated with myself, i felt like i had so much potential and was never using it all to my full potential, then fastfoward to current here i was living life and being my age and i had wanted to do nothing but go back to the ways of the girl on that plane, she was out , but not always out, she was sure, all while being sure, and she was forgiving, she was not cold as she claimed to be. To current was always out, heartless and simply did not think of anybody but herslef and has not a single care for apologies or Peoples presence in her life. I had never wanted to become so content with being alone, and now i feel like i do not know how to act when i am not alone.
People just our me off and piss me off, my views and perspectives are bigger then instagram fame, and being somebodies women crush Wednesday pr some big parry host. I got real dreams and goals bigger then big, and i do not simply have the means to shrink nor conform to keep or make friends. And people like to laugh at me and discuss me because what i say and do simply does not register in their mind and that is okay because it does not need to. If i can write one blog post and it help just one person then i have succeed. if i can make one person laugh in a day then i will have succed, if i can simply do what i love and am passionate about and if not a single soul on this earth support me but i believe in myself and my dream THEN I WIN. I have never begged for support, never asked for it, and i take no support as support. I was not made to fit in, and i for sure was not made to people please. i find peace in the unknown and i find comfort in the cold cut truth.
I dug my way out of hell so many time, i could draw a map how to get there and back. My bad decisions make for my best blog post, and they make me better person. I would not be able to sit here and share my stories if i was not a immense fuck up at times. And i do not sit around and feel bad about it, i do not hide it, i know people are going to discuss my fuck ups and broadcast them but i am never going to be ashamed and hide from them. Because not a single one of my fuck ups have stopped me from growing a succeeding. I address my demons openly and honestly and i do not let them take me down. the joke is only fun to other if it is not funny to you. the world is scared to own up to messing up and i am not.
Yes i failed math every single year of highschool
Yes i shaved the back of my head in middle school
Yes when i was younger i used to get made and write in my journals about friends and family and tear them apart with words
Yes i was a angry ass pre-teen and teenagers and hate the world
Yes form the age 12-17 i was the biggest bitch and did not care about anybody but me, T’yanna Angeline Hall
Yes i can be mean to friends and family
Yes i me a human being can fuck up
That did not kill me, and i openly just shared things i am guilty of and i did not die. stop running form your mistakes and embrace them, share them, learn and grow from them do not let people use them against you. Everybody fucks up, but only a few admit it, where others will make you feel as if it is just you in the world who is messing their life up, when you openly admit your wrongs they do not hold weight, they do not follow you to bed on your mind, they are simply addressed and then released. It is going to take time but i know you reading can do it, it is all about if you will do it.