When I was in 6th grade I read this book by Kanye west called thank you and you’re welcome. I had got it after going to his concert and lately all I can think about is one line ” if you can’t be used you’re useless”. Wine I’ve been thinking about this line because people seem to find me very useful only for a certain amount of time, a time where they can enervate themselves up and get to the next stepping stone then they’re done. Granted I know it’s life and i am not sad about it due to the fact it lets me know that I create value to people life but more irritated by it, simply due to the fact what is a persons point of ever coming into my life if they’re not going to be genuine about anything?
I seem to only hear from certain people when they need something. It is rare I get a call or a text from somebody asking how I’m doing or how I’ve been. I get texts asking for me to do something for them. And I really don’t mind I enjoy helping people and doing things for people but the return is never the same. People want you to love and support them through everything and anything but the second you need them to be there for you it’s a done deal. For every call I answer every text I respond to I get 3 if that back when i need somebody. And the more that’s happened it became normal to me and it taught me I don’t need anybody and I don’t need or have a comfort zone.
I watch snaps and read facebook post and see everybody retreats to their comfort zone. I know one girl who goes back to high school and visit us her favorite teachers Nearly ever other Friday. I know one guy who goes to every high school football game even though he graduated 3 years ago and I know a women who everytime things go just the slightest wrong she goes into hiding and isolates herself from the world then there’s me, I get upset but I keep living and going through my everyday motion. And I used to think that was a problem with me the fact I never really claimed a home and comfort zone then I realized home for me was never a physical place but more within people.
I know a lot of people but only a select few give me the sense of home, when I say that I mean when I’m around them nothing that’s been stressing me bothers me anymore and I feel the love off of them and just know they have genuine intentions and want the best for me. Oumie was my first friend who became my home. We met in the forth grade when I was starting a new school and she was the only person to talk to me. So from the age of 9 to now us both being 19 I never once had to question her loyalty and always felt love when I’m around her. And I’m glad I met her and am still able to call her my bestfriend. Then there is Jacqueline, Antonia, kassi who goes my kassondra now, Zaria, Melvin. These people I just never had to question and never felt like they were using me when they had all the opportunity to. It is friends like them that make you notice when people are just using you and chasing a status or reward.
I know when I’m being used and I know when people are just simply trying to one up in there life. I am a sociable person I know people who have a known name and when people know that people will take advantage of you and not give a single fuck about how it effects you as a person. And it’s selfish but it’s life and it happens. I had people get mad at me because I didn’t want to go to a party with them and I was the entry way, I had people call me selfish because I didn’t want to drive them all around the world and recently I’ve been very anti with everybody and they all think I’m angry and being a bitch when I’m really just trying to find some peace.
I’m only 19, I don’t want to party all the time but I still want to party, however I would rather do things that I know will benefit me in the future more then the thrill of the current and it is hitting me that everything I do now Is going to effect me later and as much as I would love to party and have fun I think about my future so much, and it isn’t even about my job or school it’s more about my future family. I went from phases where I want a family to where I want money and now family
Again then switched back to money and it’s just a lot. As of now I want to live in New York City or California and just get away from everybody.
And I’m not angry, I’m just bored, I’m bored with the 4 seasons I’m bored with the same faces I’m bored with knowing what I’m waking up to everyday, it’s simply boring, I found more enjoyment in being alone and chilling in my room then I do being around people simply because people around me don’t think like me. I AM looked at crazy when I say what I want to do and where I want to live, and it’s always from the people who lived in the same place their whole life and married and have kids or a dog never once took a chance on a damn thing in their life.
I recently signed a apartment lease simply to keep myself in school, because college is truly blowing me and I would rather travel or work but I know I need a degree and a steady great paying job, so I will get my bacholers and after that I’m taking a break. I’ll be 21 I’ll have room for a break and a chance to do what i truly want to do no more “you need a degree” simply just me myself and my choices.
This year has made me realize I am doing all this shit for the future, I didn’t go to college because it was in my heart I did it because I had to , I didn’t start talking to people again out the kindness of my heart I did it because they were around and I was bored, I am realizing this year I simply
Did everything out of respect for the future. and it was the most smartest yet most energy draining thing I have ever did in my life. But it was all worth it.
I have been used this year so much, and it let me know all the energy I am haven taken from me, and the reason I am craving isolation is because people have been using me to their benefit because I am worth something and that let’s me know I am doing something right. So if you are being used you’re worth something and if you’re going through life not and everything is a cakewalk you’re not doing anything worth value.