2 40 am

 

i can not sleep, i can not even close my eyes i am wide awake i realized it is because i am a night thinker. i know better then some of the choices i make yet i keep making dumb ass decisions. I feel like i get off on it, as if i get a rush off a temporary high of doing something i know is wrong and bad but in the time it is fun, but i know better so i am up at 2 am wondering why the hell i am up.

i have been doing so well, i have not devoted my time to a guy, i am focused on school found a nice content job, i even pray randomly throughout the day, yet i can not sleep, i have not been able to sleep for the past 3 months, i am up and always thinking. I am at a place where i am stuck. I feel like i outgrown Michigan and the people, i love this state i do but it is not me, i feel like i am outgrowing people, now i love them all to death but there is more to the world then this state.

If my dad had cut the cord when i was 17 i would of been sleeping right now, in tallahassee in florida, i would of been broke and most likely hungry but i would of been sleeping. My plan after high school was to get away from everybody. Instead i came back home and it helped a lot i am glad i did, but i am trying not to feel regret but i feel a shit ton of regret of not doing the T’yanna thing and going against the wave.

His whole thing was i was 17 i was still a child and not ready to be alone and all the typical parent responses, but i should of took the plane to michigan and dipped form there after saving enough money. And i am happy i mean i am 19 and gonna have my AA and everything but this happiness is not mine, i did not do this for me, i did it for everybody else.

I am always telling people live for you, chase your dreams, do not live for others and i do the exact opposite. i was 4 hours away from tallahassee, now I’m 15. i was 3 day from the carolinas now I’m 12. i set myself back 10 steps and moved 7 forward for others. Michigan taught me a lot about myself and bought me close to a lot of people but it is draining, but i am already so far in this whole college thing and do not want to lose in state tuition to pay out. because if i could i would’ve left after this summer.

I decided i could  not take any breaks and be done with my undergrad by spring 2019 a whole year ahead then i am out of here. i plan on finishing my masters somewhere new and fresh there comes a time where change is the only thing you can do, and if it hurts others so be it.

it is 2:32 in the morning and i am ranting about life, because i can not sleep and i can not sleep because like my heart my mind is somewhere else. This summer i plan on traveling and making memories. i had signed a lease for a apartment just so i would keep my ass in school, because the housing is for the school. I  have so many things i want to do, places i want to see and i am in Michigan because it was ” best for me” and now i can not sleep.

do not be 17 year old T’yanna ride your own wave.  And do not let somebody else’s happiness become your own, put yours first.

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3 thoughts on “2 40 am

  1. I felt that way too. I was in my 20’s, writing music, playing solo in cafe’s for no money but getting my own words heard and enjoying it. Dropped out of college to follow my dreams, but they don’t happen fast enough for everyone else. Like you have a time limit to succeed. So, to please the others, I took the Postal exam and spent 30 years living life according to the rest of the world. But, I didn’t let them quash my spirit. I took my songs and entered competitions ( and got some great recognition and almost a recording gig ). I took my old unfinished songs and self published 4 poetry books which I sold all over the world. You need your own personal dream to survive. To this day, this is MY thing. My family, my wife, my friends, all give the required pat on the head of support, but they have no idea what I write, where I write and how many lives I interact with from MY dream. I have gotten letters of thanks for helping someone through the death of their spouse, emails asking me to write wedding vows and speeches and muscians asking to put my words to music. I guess I am saying, that it is YOUR life and YOUR dream and while your body is doing the ” please the rest of the world ” gig, in your heart and mind is a sacred space that no one can touch. Feed it, let it soar, you can go anywhere and do anything in your own sacred space. I find it is not necessary to impress the people in my life with my gifts, they were meant for other people and places. I am fulfilled inside, not by my daily routine, but from where I travel in my heart and head and words. Sorry, I rambled on…. But I was you, I am you and I want you to sleep. ( And try melatonin 🙂 ) and I am in North Georgia, 5 hours from Talahassee ! 🙂 I love your writing. Do it all for therest of us !

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