i can not sleep, i can not even close my eyes i am wide awake i realized it is because i am a night thinker. i know better then some of the choices i make yet i keep making dumb ass decisions. I feel like i get off on it, as if i get a rush off a temporary high of doing something i know is wrong and bad but in the time it is fun, but i know better so i am up at 2 am wondering why the hell i am up.
i have been doing so well, i have not devoted my time to a guy, i am focused on school found a nice content job, i even pray randomly throughout the day, yet i can not sleep, i have not been able to sleep for the past 3 months, i am up and always thinking. I am at a place where i am stuck. I feel like i outgrown Michigan and the people, i love this state i do but it is not me, i feel like i am outgrowing people, now i love them all to death but there is more to the world then this state.
If my dad had cut the cord when i was 17 i would of been sleeping right now, in tallahassee in florida, i would of been broke and most likely hungry but i would of been sleeping. My plan after high school was to get away from everybody. Instead i came back home and it helped a lot i am glad i did, but i am trying not to feel regret but i feel a shit ton of regret of not doing the T’yanna thing and going against the wave.
His whole thing was i was 17 i was still a child and not ready to be alone and all the typical parent responses, but i should of took the plane to michigan and dipped form there after saving enough money. And i am happy i mean i am 19 and gonna have my AA and everything but this happiness is not mine, i did not do this for me, i did it for everybody else.
I am always telling people live for you, chase your dreams, do not live for others and i do the exact opposite. i was 4 hours away from tallahassee, now I’m 15. i was 3 day from the carolinas now I’m 12. i set myself back 10 steps and moved 7 forward for others. Michigan taught me a lot about myself and bought me close to a lot of people but it is draining, but i am already so far in this whole college thing and do not want to lose in state tuition to pay out. because if i could i would’ve left after this summer.
I decided i could not take any breaks and be done with my undergrad by spring 2019 a whole year ahead then i am out of here. i plan on finishing my masters somewhere new and fresh there comes a time where change is the only thing you can do, and if it hurts others so be it.
it is 2:32 in the morning and i am ranting about life, because i can not sleep and i can not sleep because like my heart my mind is somewhere else. This summer i plan on traveling and making memories. i had signed a lease for a apartment just so i would keep my ass in school, because the housing is for the school. I have so many things i want to do, places i want to see and i am in Michigan because it was ” best for me” and now i can not sleep.
do not be 17 year old T’yanna ride your own wave. And do not let somebody else’s happiness become your own, put yours first.