Life was easier when my Grandma Hall was alive. literally everything. Having her around was something that i miss, and i feel like i need her more now then anything. I never had to tell her anything that was going on, she in a way just knew. And by knowing she would know what to say, and i can say after turning to shopping, blogging, and eating the occasional pizza hut pizza, nothing will compare to her actually being here and talking to me.
The past months i have been wishing for a lot of things, and the crazy thing is I’ve gotten them all… however it is not even what i want. I wished for somebody to come back and be sorry for their actions, and they did. but when i had finally received what i have been waiting for, i prefer the silence. I had wished for a change in a person so we could at least be cool and social with each other, i got it and i do not want that person involved with any aspect in my life and most importantly i realized my life gets very uncomfortable before becoming livable again.
Shooting stars do not exist, wishing does not do a damn thing, and people never help unless they are getting paid and or looking for leverage to be able to say ” i did this” or ” you would not have this without me”. I hate favors, that is why i hate asking and that is why when i do i only ask one person because they never throw it in my face later and one day i will return the favor. however the rest of you … i remember everything.
I am writing this at 3 am because i can never sleep because stress is a killer and college is hell on earth and i have a blog to run and a million things going on and people think they know it all when they barely even scratched the dam surface.
I remember things people said about me, did to me, i just remember everything. and at night everything anybody ever took from me i get back. A lot of people took my time, i only gave one person my time and i gave them 13 years to be exact the rest of you, never gave you a second, yet as i look back i realized when i was being “selfish” i was really just owning a sense of myself that people simply could not grasp.
I was told it is weird that i never had a serious relationship while being in high school because it was something that a lot of people my age ” were supposed to be doing” and in reality i never did relationships simply because i get bored, and it would be wrong to string people along. What has me ranting was this paper i had written my junior year, and the paper was about who inspires you and i wrote about myself.
Most of the people wrote about their parents, celebrities and there was me, i was inspired by me simply because i knew no matter what i would always be okay, and i did not need a damn soul to see another day alive and happy . i read through this paper and one line stood out to me and made me think about my whole college life i and written
” and if i decide to go to college maybe my dad will finally feel some sort of sense of proudness when it comes to me, maybe my sister will see me as the big sister and not the rude bitch in the house, maybe my little brothers will disregard the fact i am always fighting with my dad and stepmom and look at me attempting to better myself. Ann just might realize i do listen to what she says to me and her words don’t fall upon deaf ears. But what about T’yanna? Will I be happy with my choices because they are my choices or because they will make those around me happy and a happy family is a happy home. Is being a bitch worth the isolation? “
It was that section of my paper i had realized, i am not freaking out because of college , nor stress, hell not even by the lack of sleep. i am freaking out because i had always thought well my grandma would’ve said this, she would of told me to do this. and now here i am 19 years old and i everything she has ever told me there is no answer to the questions anymore. and i find myself talking to her in class or my car i just talk and it gives me a sense of clarity in a way because i know she can hear, but i have to focus to hear her.
Today i had asked her simply that if i not am meant to go crazy, drop college and do a year of finding myself and take a break from school you will have blank write me and blank will say he misses me and that he is sorry, and i will get the closure and then i will be able to fully close the chapter in my life. And let me add me and blank have not spoken in months, hell i hate blank even blocked their number, unfriended them on snapchat the whole nine yards. but while getting ready my phone went off and it was blank, and blank had apologized and i kid you not said ” i miss you” and it was that moment i was on the right path as well as life is not getting hard i am just reviving more than i ever had.
School is going well, work is going better and life is moving fast. I am gorging up and getting older. When i was younger i had the comfort of never having to take ownership and responsibility, and sure as hell never had my feelings on the line every fucking day. But adulating came to reality and all i can do is continue to have my breakdowns, and fun times, and talk to my grandma and try to hear or see her answers for my millions of questions on people, school, work, life, and love.