I had planned on writing about the perks of being the bigger person and taking the higher road and so and and so on, but today i write you to tell you to not be the bigger person anymore, stop trying to fix everything and stop trying to keep everybody happy and be selfish.
I was in the 5th grade when i went to my first therapist and i remember the first conversation we had she had asked me ” why do you think you are here” and i responded with the typical ” I have no idea” when in reality i knew exactly why i was there however i felt the need to play games. I was sitting in her little office because
- I had a attitude problem
- I stayed challenging authority
- I shut everybody in my life out, and did not care that it hurt their feelings
- I did not take school ” serious” and to my defense it was fifth grade i was not mature and had no idea nor desire to be mature
- I was there because i did not know how to communicate with people, and honestly people did not know how to communicate with me.
So she was my first therapist and i remember she would talk to me about fixing my problems and issues going on in my life, and i would not budge. It made no sense to me why would i ever talk to this stranger about my life and feelings because those around me are upset with how i act and communicate with them? I was attempting to deal with my problems by myself and did not need the village people to point out where i was slipping and where i need to improve. It was the sessions i had with her that were pissing me off even more, and the icing on the cake was when my sessions became family sessions. It basically was a hour worth of lecture of what i needed to change and how i affect those around me and when i say i will never ever put myself in therapy nor any of my future children in therapy i mean it because all i took away from her is
- You are going to be forced to forgive when you are not ready
- you are going to be forced to talk when you really have no idea what to say
- you are going to be told every little thing people think about you as if you do not know
- you are going to be told ” yeah it is bad, but it can be worst”
I look back and realized i was so pissed off after and during these sessions because it was as if my reasons for being upset and angry were not validated because others had it worse. and i knew as a kid that made no sense. that is like telling a mother yes your son died in the car crash but your daughter lived so you’re fine sally however lost both of her sons last week in a car crash. Just because people take a bigger blow in their life then you does not mean you are not validated to be angry and sure as hell not something you tell somebody dealing with their own battles.
I went to about 6 sessions with her when my parents realized it simply was not working I was not talking and i was just sitting and listening to her speak while i traveled off into my own world. And that became a thing i would do, T’yanna World was the best. I was well aware of my problems and when i was in my world i was able to deal with them how i wanted when i wanted, and the more i seemed to not acknowledge them and just let it be the better i became at ignoring them. However it did not take much to trigger it.
I hated being compared to other people, i hated hearing how i did this like her, how i acted like her when i did not get my way, what would set me off i was “acting like” somebody else. I hated hearing how i was not trying, and how i need to let things go. If i have learned anything in my 19 years of life is that you can not tell somebody to let something / somebody they love go. it is a battle you simply will never win. I was fighting to love somebody who did not have a clue how to love themselves and i felt the need to prove i loved them unconditionally, and while doing that i burned everything and everybody in my way, and nearly destroyed myself building them up.
I was young, and still am young but when i look back i realized i was a forgiving person, and let a lot of shit go, i forgave a lot of people and chose to move on not only for me but them as well. It was my second therapist had told me something i think about everyday
” people will only point out other people’s demons to take the focus off of their own”
When she had said that to me, i had remember just telling her everything i answered all her questions openly and honestly and i did not care she probably did not genuinely care, i did not care she was getting paid to hear me bitch, i knew she in a way understood why i was not opening to therapy in the beginning and that was all i ever needed to hear, that everybody no matter how perfect their life appears has demons.
My sessions with her were better than the first time i had to go to therapy. the first time i was 10 the second time i was 16. I was able to comprehend what the hell my feelings were and where they were stemming from but as i said i will never put my child in therapy simple because i am not going to have them feel as if their demons are winning them and those around them. When people have issues in their life they are aware, everybody deals with it on their own terms. Mine was ignore it or write about it. And when i would write about people got hurt. but now i do not care who i hurt when i write because it helps me. Some people drink, others workout, some do drugs, and some ignore their problems completely. But sitting people down in a small room and telling them there is a problem, and they need to address it and fix it before it exploded is a problem.
Now i am not going to let my future kids walk around with the world on their back and angry and upset i am just not going to make them change on my timing, i always told myself if i fuck up in every aspect in my life i would do right by my kids meaning
- Therapy will never happen, unless you want to but i am telling you you’ll hate it then you will reimburse me all the money i and to pay for the sessions
- I am not going to put another soul above my child, husband, sister, best friend, nobody.
- i am going to tell you about yourself when you need to hear it, but i am not going to showcase them for everybody to hear and know, but you are going to know i know and notice, and tell you why you should change and the possibilities that come with staying on the wrong path
- if your siblings better then something then you, they still are not superior in my eyes, you all have a talent the other doesn’t and i will make sure you know i know what you’re good at, and if it is drawing, singing, dancing, swimming, hell even chess i am going to do everything to make sure the world knows i got the best damn chess player in the world as my child
- I will piss you off because i do not take any bullshit, but i love you and i will make sure you know it whether i call to tell you, text, write a letter, or tell you over whatever social media app will be out at the time, you will know.
- i will always tell you being the bigger person is the right thing to do, but it may not always be what is best for you to do.
So whether you are debating on being the bigger person and forging the person or people stop and think yes you can forgive but make sure it is on your time and terms, because if it isn’t you will never fully move on and get the closure and peace that you truly deserve.