No.You Can’t See Me

It has almost been a full month since i written something last, and i would love to blame it on school, or work, but the truth tis i have no idea what to talk about because all i want to  talk about i just did not feel like sharing. I have been pretty much an open book with you guys when i write, and it helped me and helped you but privacy was what i was looking for, so i walked away. i turned my back and just cut back a little bit. i felt the need to find a sense of self, and figure out where i was going wrong because i realized i was becoming somebody i didn’t know and i didn’t know if it was who i was meant to be or who i was allowing temporary circumstances make me.

College is becoming what high school was to me, a damn annoyance and a stressful ass place, and i think i do not have to do this, nobody is forcing me to do this. but then i remember people are making me do this because nobody wants to be the damn pun of thanksgiving jokes, and family shade about how you didn’t go and everybody else did. and how you are lazy and blah blah blah. i turn 20 in less than 5 months and i am feeling like 16 year old T’yanna. I am just trying to have fun and do the things i want when i want, and school is just hell. i write papers based of retail stores, i look how people became famous editors, and learn chemical compounds all for a piece of paper and sense of accomplishment and all it has really taught me within 2 years is that pride is one hell of a drug.  the things we do just to not feel like we are weak or a failure is fucking mindblowing.

Guys, boys, Men. never really worked out there because as i mentioned above i have pride, and when i analyze every guy i have talked to i have never really loved any of them liked them maybe 1 i really did and it was a complete waste of time. but i feel like i go through the emotions with everyone and i could write about how guys are dogs, how they ain’t shit,  trust me i can drag guys for hours but when i think i need to drag myself .I was talking to one of my guy friends about guys and he dragged me, did not spare my feelings at all. I am the first to say leave and get the treatment you delve while i stay and deal with bullshit because i like the person and do not want to risk losing them. when i write this i realize how stupid i sound and look but it is the truth. we accept the love we think we deserve and the love we know. and what i seem to love is the fun in the beginning the getting attached then when everything goes perfect i watch int all crumble to shit. and i is that simple. i watch. i can do everything to change and save it but i watch because fighting does not always save the the memories and foundation. sometimes fighting does nothing but kill you, and i have no desire to fight for anything i am not willing to die for.

I am not going to sit here and act like life is miserable because it is amazing. i have a job i actually love, i am doing amazing in school, i have my own apartment that i get to move into in August, and i feel like i am actually doing things right. But i find myself missing people and places i have never been and never met. Me and my parents would go at each others throat about what i wanted, and why i would act out and have this terrible attitude. and the answer was i wanted to be happy. i wanted to wake up and actually feel like life was not a big ass shit show. a life where i would find peace with myself a life where i would know who i was and what the hell i was doing.  nothing more nothing less.

I forgave a lot of people but i did not forget, and that is the hard part. everybody talks about forgiveness being the killing part when it is forgetting. i did not want to write because i did not want to be that bitter blogger, i didn’t write because i did not want to be that girl who is emotional and is looking for attention. i did not want to write because i did not know what to write due to the fact i was lost amongst my own life.

It is April, we are wrapping up school, some high school others college and we all need a break.  give yourself a break. stop talking to people who you do not like, stop taking the classes you hate because our parents say ” it is a necessity in the real world” stop doing things you hate just to make those around you happy. because when you stop just for a minute and think you realize nobody is out in the world living for you, so why would you stop what you want out of life to live for them?

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