I am back In sense of self again. Meaning that I can write again guys. These past couple months have been hell on earth for multiple reasons, but yet I am still alive I am still standing and I’ve learned so much these past couple months. Last night I was in one the worst moods I think I’ve ever been in during 2017. I took three naps and was still just tired which made me well aware I wasn’t sleepy tired I was life tired. And I tried to write last night and it was just depressing. I was going to write on how I lost myself how the world sucks, and how nothing gets better we just learn to except with what we dealt. Then I remember the times when i felt like the world was ending and my life was falling apart, just to wake up the next morning to a new beautiful day.
I think people find beauty in pain. Pain is the one emotion nobody questions because it hit us so hard, pain is the one thing in life that everyone experiences and which in a way brings everyone together. My wonderful pain moment came from having to drop inorganic chemistry I knew I was going to fail if I took it this semester, and knew i would feel like death if i did not take it and just dropped it. however I dropped it and I felt like the biggest disappointment ever. I am the one friend who’s always telling people you got to go to school you got to get education to be somebody but lately I have been just hating school.i’m starting to hate the things that I love and I assumed it’s because school . being tested on it and just being questioned about everything. When in reality it was simply me focusing more on the negative then the positive.
What you think and what you do comes back around to you in this life and in the world. You can’t expect to bring everyone down then have people there to lift you up when you’re down. You can’t expect to find love when all you do is crush hearts, you can’t expect to be happy when all you think about is how miserable you are. And that’s where I did this self discovery that led me here.
I started this blog in 2016 January 3rd simply because I needed to vent and I want to help people, and every gap I have taken I have blamed on being busy or school when in reality I simply cannot talk to you guys because I was not going to feed anybody bullshit. I wasn’t going to write about being strong when I couldn’t be strong, and I wasn’t going to write about being weak all the time when I’m not a week, I was not going to be the blind leading the blind. And it was yesterday when I was reading my own blogs and thinking to myself I wonder how many people I’ve helped.
when I was reading my blogs I’m like that sounded really good, or that was really good advice, or I should really start doing that. It was like I was looking at myself outside of my body and I liked what I had seen. I’ve seen a girl who is able to take defeat who is able to forgive who is able to stand her ground when all hell is facing her way, I seen a girl who is not afraid of a challenge. But yet when I looked in the mirror I seen someone who was scared out of their mind. Then I question what is so different about the girl who writes versus the one who is reading.
it wasn’t the fact that the one who is reading is sad or depressed and it wasn’t the fact that the girl who is writing was confident and brave, it was the fact that the girl who is writing understood life is not going to be fair. She was able to take herself out of herself and realize shit happens. Whereas the one who is reading believed everybody is good and everything is going to be OK in the end. And reality is in life there’s going to be bad endings and there’s going to be bad people.
I would love it if I was the perfect sister, daughter, friend, person but I’m not. I barely get events on time anymore, I’m on a roll if I even do my hair three times out the week, and I’m really showing out if I dress up even one day a week. That is just who I am, and it may not be who I was last year but I might be becoming or might just be a phase but as of now that’s just me. I like to think that there’s alternative universes where I am perfect,where I’m married and in love with the family, or I’m rich and famous. I believe looking at sunsets makes you feel good and happy, I believe that dreams actually can come true if you work for it and you make things happen, and I believe love is one hell of a drug that can help and heal people. I believe that the ones closest to hurt you the most, I believe life is not meant to be pretty it’s just not. If life wasn’t meant to be beautiful there would be no reason for us…people.
We as people get very ugly, when we get upset or mad we say spiteful things. we don’t always treat one another right we judge like we get paid to do it. Nothing about that is beautiful. We fail at things we try to succeed in 1 million times, re-enroll or enroll in college even though we hate college, we drop out of college even though we know our families will be so upset about it we disappoint people we should not disappoint, we let the same people in our life that hurt us even though we know better nothing about that is beautiful nothing. Putting ourselves through hell or a loved one/ones through it just to satisfy ourselves or somebody else is not beautiful. God forbid if I was to die tomorrow my life is a mess. It was a hot ass mess. I’m 19 never had a true love, never been to a drive-in movie,taken drinks from strangers while at a party , never made student of the month ever while in school, Hell I didn’t even take senior pictures, I wasn’t even in my yearbook my senior year. My life is a mess and I’m learning to accept that.
When I think of my life I compare it to a carousel, I go up I go down I make stops people come and go and it’s as simple as that. But when I think more into a Carousel I realize that it’s Dan your iconic, it’s the one ride that you don’t go fast you don’t go slow but everybody wants to get on it just to say they been on it why they were there it’s the one ride that is so simple yet people can never get enough of it. And that is my life. I say this because people leave and never come back or they leave and they come back and I want to say here and say I cut people off but I don’t. People come and go and it’s human nature and I could really cut people out of my life and never love them back in but that’s just not me that has never been my life and to start to try to do it now is such a foreign concept to me.
Hurt people hurt people, strong people break, and life is not meant to be perfect. And 2017 I swore I was never going to waste time on anything or anybody who is not giving me a check for it. However I did the exact opposite, I handed my time to anybody who asked for it and it was draining it was simply exhausting, however I have so many stories along with so many memories even though they were with temporary people and temporary places I will never forget them. And I think within the mess of that there is some beauty to it even though they’re not in my life anymore at that time when they were it was important to me. it was fun to me it was apart of that chapter in my life. I truly believe if I just continue to build walls around myself and within my heart in time I would be such a boring person, my blog would be so boring my life would be so boring I would just be like everybody else. The new trend is to be this anti-social introvert and I tried it and it’s just not me.
I like to believe that people who say they won’t waste my time, will not waste my time. I like to believe that when people say they have good intentions actually have genuine intentions. However People are going to waste your time, people are going to have bad intentions, and people are just going to be bad people and you can’t let that darken and dim your light. I was letting things around me and those around me affect me because they could. Being everybody’s person you really realize you don’t yourself have a person and that can drain anybody after while. everybody hurts ,everybody. no one is excluded from pain it is those of us that can take ourselves out of ourselves and realize pain is what brings us together.
it was when I was feeling like absolute failure for dropping inorganic chem that I read on a discussion board that 12 of the 18 of us had dropped that class it was when I was feeling like the world was just pouring it’s hate on me that somebody who did something really spiteful things to me this past couple of months was getting their karma and it hit them 10 times harder than they hit me, it was when I realized I wasn’t my own version of a perfect daughter but my parents were happy and proud of what I’m doing and who I’m becoming, it was when I realized those people in my life were thankful to have me in their life and were thankful that I am who I am but I am doing fine.
We were not born to be perfect we were not born to never make a mistake and never be vulnerable or a person to a person we were born to help each other to learn from one another to love one another. However people will hate you people will bring you down people will waste your time people will lie to you people will be people. Just don’t ever forget people help the people, and it’s a simple as that.