5 years

my bestfriend just asked me ” who are you?” and i really wish she was asking me trying to be funny, or just to ask but she was asking me because she does not know me anymore. Apart of it is her fault we are no longer on the same page about things but i know i played a part in our division.  My goal is to always change in order to grow, and i am learning when and when you don’t change you are going to hurt yourself and others and you are going to have to learn how to choose which is more important too you meaning, are you willing to drown yourself so the ones you love can breathe or are you going to save yourself.

The spring semester for me was rough academically and personally. I am in one of those places in life where everything is either falling apart or together. Academically i did really good this semester A’s and B’s and it was a 17 credit journey. Hence my lack of writing and social life, but i was still on twitter, instagram and facebook, which made me question was i really busy or simply avoiding writing? Since walking away from my blog i and filled 3 journals of mine with writing and never signed off on any of the entries dude to the fact i have not the slightest clue of what the hell i am doing with my life right now and what sam going through right now is shaping me in the person i am supposed to be.

I been thinking about everything i have ever done in my life, and how all my small choices in the end gave me a large consequence, and i had realized every 5 years in my life i lose my mind and sense of self.

Age 5: i was a young kid, i went from living with my mom to living with my dad and he was married and pregnant and i was bought into a whole new world in a way, and had to learn how to live a different way from my everyday life for 5 years.

Age 10: I was in 5th grade, 2nd year at a new elementary school, learning how to make friends outside of my one best friend who had moved to Ohio suddenly. this age i began to question everything regarding my friends and family, and realized life is not like movies and you do not make wishes everyday and they come true. sometimes things just are not meant to be.

Age 15: I was entering sophomore year at a new high school in a whole other state half way across the country. and i felt like 5 year old me again. Learning to adapt to a new life with new people. And at this age i did not question anything anymore i simply just stopped caring. about friendships, family relationships, i became very content within myself because i believed if i only had me there was no possible way anything or anybody would be able to hurt me.

Age 20: though 2 and a half months away the cycle is simply repeating itself just in a different form. i do not have to adapt a new lifestyle because i am able to control my own lifestyle, i have relationships with family and friends who want them with me, and i learned the balance of finding comfort and security within myself while being able to allow others into my personal space.  Doing this i had wished i put myself through this from age 10, i realized i bounced back faster when i believed people do and say things because they are upset, and not because that is simply who they are.

As i think back to the pass 5 years and think ahead to the coming 5 years i hope i become the person i dream about, and do not let things change who i am on the inside. Despite my flawed attitude and quickness to become irritated by the smallest things i have a good heart, and ambition. I could have easily sold out and took a easy way through life, but it simply is not me, i have always done things by myself for myself. So when you think of 5 years remember they are YOUR 5 years do not spend time trying to appeal and satisfy others.

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