my bug.

Today i was asked who inspires me and why. And the first person i thought of was myself, narcasistic yes, self-centered slightly, but was it an honest answer yes.

My mom had me at 19 her mom had her at 19 and at 19 I have a college degree, great credit and 2 fur babies.

I dreamed about a life for myself when i was younger where i would be rich a famous. first i wanted to be a singer but i was told i do not have the voice nor the work ethic to get too that level, then i wanted to be actress then again told i do not have the work ethic. but i never really took into consideration what somebody had to say in regards to me. Because i always knew when i wanted something i was going to get it regardless of what people where going to say and or what they had to say about me.

when i think back to my childhood i realized i spent years waiting for reassurance that i was doing the right thing, i would seek conformation that i was actually doing right, however as human nature states it is easier to point out the flaws because others flaws speak to your own insecurities.

growing up i was told i had a bad attitude, a fuck everything mentality and was selfish. and it had truth. my bad attitude was bad, i did not worry how i made people feel or how they felt about me, did i care… yes i did but worry never. my fuck everything mentality came from the fact i was bl to remind myself that the place i was in was only for the moment and i would never have to be back in the situation unless i put myself in the situation. and the selfishness was simply because i was never going to put anybody before me because i never felt like somebody did that for me.

as we fastfward and I grow older and start putting the pieces of things together and realizing the facts and all that was happening and why it was happening it was when i realized i had put so much into myself and had protected myself from others because when everything was said and done all i was going to have was myself.

when I had first started college i had saved over 7,000 from working two jobs and i had started to become the person i had dreamt about when i was younger, it was nice to be able to do what when i want because i could. i did not have people hawking down my neck over choices i was making it was simply me.

so now to current times degreed, employed, and nearing 20 people want to voice their opinions on what i am doing and word play it as to be concerned and just ” food for thought” and those people i want to really thank you because you demolished the hell of the writer’s block that i was struggling with.

if you want me to dress a certain way how about you buy me clothes then

if you want me to save my money better, then how about you pay for my clothes, food, hair maintenance, nail maintenance, and my social activities, and textbooks and rent and gas

if you want me to talk to you more and take what you are saying into consideration try talking to me and not at me

and if you want me to give a damn about what you even have to say i suggest you first apologize and face and fix for your own wrong doings before coming for mine.

 

angry people can not heal people. broken people can not fix people. you can not make a person be the person you are missing.

i did not find peace in my success, i did not find peace in others misery, i did not find peace until i found myself. and it was not when i finally discovered journalism was not for me, it was not when i had found it in myself to forgive everybody who had crossed, it was when i discovered the void i was feeling was because it was an actual void.

I couldn’t miss somebody i knew i was here and fine, and i could not be mad at somebody who was in the end doing what was best for me in the end. i could not hate the only thing that gave me the feeling of love, and i could not resent the thing that assured me love was there i just had to accept it, i however could drive myself crazy about a void i was feeling and lash out about it because i did not understand it but i felt it and it was looking back on it people watching me drown all while holding a rope to pull me up.

sometimes ill be out or doing something and i will feel a certain way and i do not know where it came from but it is there and it is real. i realize i never broke when i was younger because i was not meant to. i was meant to go through everything to get to where i am, and all i can say is i inspire me because i learned it all from you.

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