No longer a draft

 

” FIRST IS THE WORST”

 

You weren’t even my type, nothing about you made me stop and think ” ohhh he’s cute” or” I want to get to know him” however you had a good sense of humor and i admired your persistence. However something told me to ignore you. Something about you was off, i couldn’t put my finger on it and when i would try to find the flaw i really couldn’t;t pin-point one exact thing but i knew you were not what i needed in my life, at the moment or ever. The downfall was you would not leave me alone. And that is where you slithered through the cracks, that is where i broke and did what i knew was wrong. i gave you a chance that i will forever regret, the chance that inspires me to curve people consistently regardless of their consistency because the gut feeling i had about you was right, but i wanted to believe maybe you were good and i was just being shallow based off your looks because like you and I both know, you aren’t my typical pick. 

Instagram.  Tyannatells, I still do not know how you found my page but you did, and you had commented under a picture and i usually ignore guys comments i do not know, but yours was nice and i decided to return the favor, and i said thank you with the hearts, and that was my first fuck up. I should have read it and said thank you in my head and continued to talk to my friend cierra about the guy i was obssed with that summer. i remember going on about my day then you dmed me later that night and asked to text. And i remember being hesitant and thinking if i wanted to give you my number and if i wanted to even open that door for you, but then i thought about how you commented then slid hours apart, and it wasn’t rude at all  it was all nice and respectful so i sent the beloved number 616-401-2780…. that was fuck up number two. 

I had met you at a time I was still learning about myself, and finding who i was without my parents. I was still 18 approaching 19, Had my own car and all the freedom in the world and was trying the partying scene and meeting new guys who were all different in a way, i had a good thing going and i really thought you wouldn’t be damaging, i thought you were nice and that you wouldn’t be a regret but somebody i could learn some things from, but the things you taught me i grew up watching on tv and reading about in self bettering books. you were one of the life lessons i wish i could have learned from somebody who was a quarter of worth it. 

When i gave you my number you had texted me all within 5 minutes and i was like this guy is consistent, and i was like he seems to be actually interested, but the truth was i wasn’t. I was wrapped around this other guy, the same guy i had been wrapped with since i was 14, but you were consistent so i was thinking me and you would be great friends no harm would come from texting. And the way our texting worked between us was you would text me and i would pick and chose when i want to respond to you, i was pushing you away with hope you would leave me alone, but it only made you come back stronger and that was when i genuinely began to think maybe i was wrong for hoeing you and maybe you weren’t just another boy truing to get with me for all the wrong reasons and maybe you deserved a fair chance. 

That was you guess it fuck up number, As i said earlier i had a feeling you were up to something but your actions where literally destroying all my suspicions of you and that is when i let the guard down and let you in. i began to text you back within minutes, i even agreed to let you take me out for my birthday which i never let anybody do because i refuse to go out with just anybody in public, especially eat with just anybody i do not eat with people i am not comfortable with,,,, hence the reason i blew you off for the date. 

God gave me signs, and I warned myself about dealing with you, but being 18 and knowing myself I knew i could be shallow and superficial. i knew if you were 6 foot 4 with a beard and played a sport i probably would have went through with the date, but you weren’t.  You were a good 6 foot everyday college guy who had a lot of friends, had a good sense of humor and was consistent with communication. you gave off the appearance of being harmless but your vibe was not doing it for mine. And looking back i had to myself to stop being stuck up and give those who work for it my time and attention and now i know i was always right and regardless of how nice anybody is to me i do not owe them a damn thing. 

It was in October after a good 4 plus months of avoiding meeting you and blowing you off I had decided maybe i would see what you were about, and that was the biggest fuck up i made within the time i had with you. I warned me, god warned me, it was like the universe was telling to stay away and clear but the young new freshly 19 me was all about seeing the good and not being so superficial but as i have been a lot of times in my life i was very wrong. 

The first time meeting you I can’t even lie you were bland, but you were something different from what i usually dealt with. i was used to the guys with a set schedule who had their whole day/week/semester planned and set for them, they had a routine down to follow, and that was what i had as well. but you were laid back, you had things to do but weren’t stressed about it and didn’t;t freak out if you were late or if something wasn’t perfect. and that intrigued me, i was used to perfectionist and that wasn’t you and i admire people who aren’t caught in the hype of life and all that goes on and the people who know not every situation requires you to react. 

That day i enjoyed being with you, i felt comfortable and didn’t have the gut feeling of you being bad for me, that day if felt like my whole feeling was me just being crazy and i needed to stop overthinking everything. I remember leaving and i thought for the first time since dealing with you ” i can’t wait to text him when i get home” and how excited i was to get to know you more.  And that was the point where i let the feelings and signs go and i learned the importance of trusting yourself without the hard proof of why you feel the way you do. 

You were good the same you up until mid November, then that was when the real you, the person I had painted you out to be all the way back in July began to show.  You didn’t really communicate as half as good as you used to , when we did talk it would be dry and bland, and you had become somebody i didn’t know and somebody i wasn’t caring to know anymore. 

I can say from December to Beginning of February, I was hella bothered. I wanted to know what your problem was, i wanted to know what was the point of you being so consistent and the whole act of being genuine was about, like i wanted to know your point of everything. these were the months where i felt like i was you in the beginning, but the difference is unlike you i never reached out and wasn’t about to text and put myself in a  place where i wasn’t welcome i could take the hint. I wrote a few blog post about you talked about you to my friends and tried to see if they could see a point i missed that made you flip, when in al reality nothing made you flip, nothing changed your feelings you simply just stopped being something you weren’t.

I remember after talking about so much my friends got tired of hearing about it, and iw as fed up with even discussing your name. and decided to remove you from snap, you barely post on the gram, and you tweet here and there so I didn’t  bother to remove you on there i didn’t;t want you to know how much you had bothered me. and from there i met a few new strangers but i found myself trying to compare them all to you, and that was a huge problem. 

I was over you in the sense of dealing with you, but I always thought about you. I prayed for you, regardless of how you made me feel and how you did me i always wanted you to be okay and always wanted to see you doing good. And it was you that taught me how it felt to pray for somebody and have them turn on you. 

As time passed i stop caring about you, i stopped wondering about what you were doing and how you were doing. I didn’t feel li didn’t tell you happy birthday, and i remember when i asked you your birthday it was after i felt like you tell me everything about you and i was shook i was like ” oh my god when is your birthday” and you laughed and you told me. the thing that bothers me the most about you and why you will always be the worst is because i grew to genuinely like you, and that is rare for me. And you didn’t;t appreciate it, i truly believe you don’t appreciate anything because you are selfish and that is something i learned to accept about you, and stopped trying to paint this picture of you to be a good person who just is rough around the edges because that is not you, i hope one day you can grow into that person. 

I haven’t spoken to you in months and i don’t plan on it. i haven’t looked on any of you social media because you’re either muted, blocked, or ignored overall. i haven’t called or texted you because i no longer have your number saved and you are blocked from contacting me. i think the only thing i kept consistent for you was the fact i still pray for you. I don’t have much to say to you, and i don’t feel much of anything when people bring you up anymore. It’s like you are just another soul walking on this earth nothing more nothing less. And i am going to wrap this up by saying thank you for all you taught me and this is  i wish you farewell. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s