I lost my shoe and never found it

I never really did story times growing up, nobody read to me before bedtime however Disney channel would do bomb movies at 8, my dad would give me life lessons talks that did not start making sense until these recent past years, and i read all about self worth was taught all about self worth but i seemed to always challenge the concept of self worth mainly mine. 

I want to start this by saying i know for a fact i am not ugly, and i know for a fact i am smart and capable of anything i put my mind to, but i feel like in life you are either going  to be a follower, a person who does as told, a person who does not challenge authority and all they are taught, a by the book type person. or you’re going to be the person who loses the pair of shoes. you are going to be somebody who sticks with something for a long time then when they try a new pair on and it seems to compliment them more, and the more they begin o wear it as time passes they forget where the pair of shoes went. thoughts range from

Did I let a friend borrow it?

Did I lose it?

Did I hide it from myself”

and simply

Will I ever find it?

IMG_2083.JPG This shirt I had taken from my sister when i had went back to Georgia. one because it is comfortable and it was my dads, and living 12 hours from the person who always reminded you he little things matter, it is the little things like this that make me come back to reality and out of my fantasy world. As i said earlier i know i am a girl of many great qualities and flaws. but in the end it all makes me so i wondered why there are times i am so hell-bent on tweaking everything and anything about me to make myself fit this idea of perfect.

I think the misconception of people questioning their self-worth people to believe to physical problems and self-esteem when in reality it can be everything and anything. I never had a problem with how i looked, i always liked how i looked and did not really care if people did or not, been this way since i was a freshmen, however i always cared about how things and people made me feel, and that was when i began to push lines and myself.

I am my biggest judge/fan. I know what i can achieve and what i can get done when i want it, and i know when i am selling myself a dream simply because i do not want to face reality. and that is the first thing. 

Reality

People are who their actions show you they are. if they wanted to do it they would. i had a person in my head when i wrote that and i know you reading have a person in your head. Reality is a bitch, there is no sparing feelings it simply as is, and i always challenge reality because i hate seeing people in a negative light because i wouldn’t;t want people viewing me in a negative light. however i learned a dog id a dog, and a duck is a duck. if it barks it is a dog and if it quacks it is duck. nothing more nothing less. your actions speak what words can’t and that is the truth. 

Curiosity

Curiosity killed the cat, and killed my feelings a few times. Growing up i was warned about boy and people who could smooth talker nd i was smooth enough to know when game was being ran but sometimes i wasn’t and would willingly put myself into some fucked up situations, simply out of my own curiosity. I wanted to know why people did what they did, and why they felt the way they felt, and disregarded my whole feelings in the midst because i was so concerned about theres. 

comfortable with being alone

I can be alone for days a die fine, i do not need the need to have company 24/7 to go out 24/7 and to be with somebody 24/7. However i always wondered what it would be like to have somebody in your life-like that. somebody who lives on the same earth as you and you are one of their main concerns. And when i was younger i had always wanted that feeling to be somebody universe until i found my own within myself.

 

Now the question, if you know yourself why do you feel like you lost a pair of shoes……

 

 

Growing up i always wanted to believe in the good of people, the fact that people could do no wrong and that there were not bad people in the world who would lie just to get something that they wanted from you out of you. i wanted to believe that people couldn’t;t fake everything and that you would not have to question whether people were being genuine or just lying and doing things for their own personal agenda. I never wanted to grow up and have to question are they really trying to get to know me or are they up to something else.

Curiosity has always been me, and it is something i will never apologize for. i want to know why things happen and what is the purpose behind it, and when things spark my interest i want to discover them in a  deeper meaning. however i have been finding myself giving people chances and the benefit of the doubt and ending up played and embarrassed in the end.

Comfortable with being alone… growing up i went to a therapist about how i had a habit of isolating myself and lack of communication when in reality i had no problem communicating i simply did not want to communicate with those around me. i hate when people lecture me then play it as it is help for me. I do not need help with being more open to people and being around people, people need to learn how to be a decent person towards me.

 

I feel like we as people go through this phase where everything about us changes, all while the little things stay the same, and that is what makes people go insane.

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