Slut speaks

Ever since i can remember i was always taught girls are not allowed to be sexual beings in the way that boys are. We as women are not allowed to show too much skin because then we send the signal that we are down for whatever the man wants to do, we are not allowed to cover up too much because then we are to prude to be approached and stuck in the “conservative times”. I remember getting told it was unlady like to sit without my legs crossed while wearing a dress at the age of 5 because “ people could see my private area”.  I remember being 14 and having the sex talk with my parents and being told how “ to many partners makes me a hoe” and how nobody wants somebody who’s been with everybody, and  how sex is this soul bonding expierence.

 

I remember feeling like no matter what path i chose to follow with i would be speaked down on regardless. So as time passed i began to do what i wanted. I have wore some outfits that showed a lot of skin, and some outfits that were only showing my wrist and ankles. I have wore dresses and did not sit with my legs crossed and upward, and i have had sex before marriage with people i was not in a relationship with. And let society tell it i am a “promiscuous girl.” I do not value myself because i do not put a time limit on my body. I do not value myself because i do not go through the “stages” with guys.

 

I do not start as acquaintances, then friends then make the transition to lovers. I do not value myself because i do not see the “ wrong” in my actions because the key word is “My” my being mine, mine being me. When i am asked about me and my overall persona my sex life, i tell and i do not sugarcoat nor feel shame for it.  The number of men i kissed does not define me, the number of men  i slept with and will sleep with does not make me who i am, the clothes i chose to cloth my body in do not make me consent to nor disregard and advances that somebody may want to make on  me. My parents created a human, one to whom is a female. One that is comfortable with her life and her life as a sexual being, even though i grew up having the idea of the bad image of the “ promiscuous girl” i have seemed to grow up to become her.

 

I was 10 when i had my first real kiss. I remember the day exactly because it was my 10th birthday and i was celebrating it at caesar land. I had on a yellow cheetah girl shirt with my favorite black maxi skirt with the cheetah girl pins on it. I remember we were playing tag in the tubes at caesarland, I remember running away from him and ending up at the tallest slide within the structure. And he had eventually caught up to me, and i remember i sat there laughing when i had gotten caught. We both were laughing at the fact i run like a little t-rex and i remember mid laugh he stopped laughing looked me in my eyes leaned in and kissed me. I remember feeling this rush through my body like butterflies, i remember sliding down the slide and feeling like i was on a cloud. The innocence within the kiss and the way it made me feel was so innocent and nice, it made me think that growing up all my encounters with boys where going to be just like that, because that is what the movies shown, but the older i got the more society seemed to put restrictions and rules on what i could allow a guy to do with and to me and the time frame that he was allowed to do it in.

 

Then as time passed the more i would be told what was “right” and what was “wrong” and i would be told what was okay for me to do within a given time frame and what was completely unacceptable because it would make people have this wrong perception of me and they would be able to talk about me to other people so that is when i decided no action in my life was the best action for my life.

 

So all of highschool i was a virgin.

 

I had guys interested in me, i was a pretty girl but on the other end i had a father who was very open with the sex talk and how the mind of a guy works and i had this huge fear of doing anything with a guy how i would get played and how my feelings would be hurt so it was best for me to simply stay to myself and not entertain nor act out on anything i was feeling and that was looking back such a double edged sword. Because hn i look back on high school it was nothing amazing and something i will tell my future kids about and it was not the high school experience i grew up so excited for it was in all honesty complete and utter bullshit. It was nothing more of elementry school but more freedom of middle school.  Then graduation came and i was entering a new chapter in life and it was the chapter that introduced a whole new world.

 

I graduated at 17 turning 18 and being 18 i was still in the high school thinking, the senior year tyanna i wasn’t living with my dad anymore, was a freshman in college and has double the guys attention, and with no restrictions but still did not want to be “ that girl”. The one who didn’t wait 90 days, or was friends with the guy then dated the guy i was so afraid of being you know a slut. So then 18 turned into 19 and 19 was a new world.

 

I met a guy and in the beginning he was a good guy, and i am not going to sit and bash him because he did teach me and show me a lot about how to go through life without apologizing for my actions even though they could cause damage and hurt others. In a sense he showed me how to be you for you, but he is way more selfish than me. From the time i spent dealing and being around him the more i began to feel myself change. In the beginning he was all about me and i enjoyed that. I enjoyed the constant good morning texts, the fast replies and of everything ie noted the friendship that i had got out of him. I remember telling everything to him and him becoming my first best friend in a long time, and things between us were great and going great. I remember i didn’t think about the time rule, i didn’t think about the cliche steps of how to “get and keep a man” i was just doing what i wanted to do. And then months passed and things were great for 5 of the year but you know life happened and people changed. Me and him didn’t click anymore, we didn’t get along at all and it was simply oil mixing with water. And the love i had for him turned into full resentment. And when we fell to shit i began to question “ maybe things would still be the same if me and him would have never had sex”. Maybe if i waited 90 days, maybe if i made him write down his feelings about me, maybe if we dated for a year and stayed celebrate with one another, maybe if i simply would of waited to have sex till i was married maybe then just maybe i wouldn’t i have felt so damn stupid for even wasting and spending my time with him.

 

After him i was in limbo, i began to think that maybe having sex with him was the reason we didn’t last for along time, maybe the months i had waited was nothing and it should of been a year, maybe i should of never even given him a chance because who is really real at the age of 19, who was i to expect somebody to be real with me when there are times that i am not even real with myself at times. I was thinking about what i did to make everything go bad, and how my actions seemed to be the downfall of everything never once did i even think maybe shitty things happen because 1. Things happen for a reason and 2. Maybe it had nothing to do with me and the person i was just dealing with wasn’t shit to begin with in the first place. Or 3. It was simply life just taking its course.

 

After him i put my feet in the pool, i went on dates i began talking to multiple guys and when i say talking i meant texting on the regular, facetime  some were simply friendships and others were crushes, i had started to do what some girls began in high school and other girls will never experience till marriage.  It was from going out and talking to guys i was able to pinpoint and realize what it was that i liked in guys. What turned me on, what turned me off, what made a man a man and what made him a little boy. It was from being by myself for so long to jumping into it with one guy to that blowing up in my face then me being alone again with a whole new outlook on things i began to think so different about those around me and how i perceive slut shaming and the treatment of girls and stands set upon us in general.

 

Since starting my first semester at Western Michigan University, i learned a lot about myself, friends, and people in general, and more and more about knowing yourself regardless of what people have to and are going to say about you. This semester i have been revisiting a lot of old places, and people of my past trying to make things fit together and make sense when in reality it is simply

 

Life.

 

Weather you are celibate, wait until relationships to have sex, have random one night stands or just have sex when you want to have sex. Whether you wear sexy clothes, or cover yourself head to toe in clothes, you can sit with your legs crossed or open and people are always going to have something  to say.  

 

We are taught our worth comes from what we do, not who we are. If that is the case then fake gold should hold the value as real gold because it all looks the same, it carries the same meaning, but one is valued more than the other because people chose to see the value in it, were as some people are content with the fake gold because it looks the same, and is more within their price range.  Never let anybody make you feel like you are not worth anything because you do not act the same nor carry yourself the same to the next women. We were all made different for a reason, we all serve different purposes in life and we all go through different journeys in life

 

So wear what you want

Do what you want

Do who you want

And always stay true to yourself.

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